My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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