When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
