I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
