Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
