you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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