i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Is that strawberry winking at me??
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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