haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
