i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
