I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
