Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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