FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
