so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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