So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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