'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
