My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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