The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
