meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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