I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You ate ashes out of my bong
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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