someone get that fucking seahorse.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
