Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Randomize
