oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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