If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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