Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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