Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
