I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
