Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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