I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
