I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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