Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
