Only a mothe r could love this liver
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
