I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize