WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
