Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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