We're like a lot better than the average bears
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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