Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
