her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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