i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
