I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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