guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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