You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
