my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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