Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
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