M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize