I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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