She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
