i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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