How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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