You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
