Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
