My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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