You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
