miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Randomize
