At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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